[ John bounces the chuckle back at Freddie's parried response, and not for the first time wonders why his wiring's so finely hooked up to make the slightest thing horrible. he can pinpoint his day down to the date. can feel the weight of the gun in his hand, too.
still grinning, fresh from watching Freddie's shot sent down the hatch, John plucks up his own and sends it back - just a quick tilt of his head and flick of his wrist, none of your fancy hands free lip service. ]
'Fraid there's no easy answer. You're just going to have to get old like the rest of us. [ it's not all bad. getting old like the rest of us, in some cases, can be an incredibly exhilarating experience. it does get him to thinking, though, and one elbow is lifted to rest on the bar so he can settle his chin into the fingers of one hand, get a good angle for squinting at him. ] Wonder how middle age will look on you.
It won't. [See, there's a very simple answer to that - and it's not intended to be fatalistic, exactly, Freddie just doesn't think in futures and, if he did, one that saw him getting old would be unthinkable. What's middle age, anyway, two decades away? That's ages, he'll be done with living by then.] Never going to happen, John, I'll just stop.
[Well, if anyone could it might be the boy who already looks close to a decade younger than his actual age, given the right light. He skips the third shot for now, swiping at a beer bottle standing sentinel over the rest of the glasses and taking a swallow to wash the burn of the last one down.]
Thirty-five, though, I could go to that and still be fit. [There's a question in that statement, but he won't ask it directly. It says something, though, that this is what he marks the duration of his life in.] I mean actually fit, not deluded, sucking in a paunch and clipping my nosehair fit. Like some of these.
[An elbow casually gestures toward the remainder of the bar. Present company excepted, John, of course.]
Thirty-five's not a bad age. Forty's not a bad age, for some people, if you're not trying to be something you're not. That's what I like about you.
[He bites his lip, the taste of liquor still overpowering the beer.]
'Course you will. [ and perhaps he might. some people are born to. not him: too much of a cockroach to slip out quietly at the given hour... but Freddie? he can't tell. maybe. right now it's almost a probably, but he's got a lot of time between now and then.
John scoffs; at I could still be fit, at the sweeping knock down of every last sorry sod unfortunate enough to exist in the vicinity. less because it's funny, which it is in its own way, but more because he's relentless. absolutely relentless. onwards and onwards and on, no room for apology. fresh air, but a gust of it. so much that it goes swallowed instead of inhaled. ]
Oh yeah? [ a quirk of one eyebrow doesn't quite bother to be offended, a roof for his ghosting smile. ] That's a flattering assessment.
[ "not sad". that's a statement and a half. a whole host of potential meanings to be eked out of two words and - genuinely flattering, perhaps, in that any one of them means a battle fought and won. from what he's learned of him Freddie doesn't do flattery, not in the way some people do, not sad being a perfect example and not completely its perfect follow up, and so it's that much easier to trust.
somebody thinks he's got his shit somewhat together. always good to hear.
... he shouldn't ask. there's a hanging half-breath of silence in which he knows he absolutely shouldn't ask - ] What am I, then?
[ other than a merry subject of the things I absolutely shouldn't do. ]
[There are so many ways Freddie could respond to that. Fishing would certainly be an accurate one: he recognises it just as John does, that little flicker of helpless curiosity that makes a person ask things the answer to which they may not really want to know.
Freddie could respond with abject cruelty, not a word of it inaccurate, raised from that particular talent he has for flaying people alive using only his tongue. But, he already knows, John's not bad at deflecting that. He knows how to drop and roll and how to stand his ground. Besides, it's not exactly the mood he's in, not tonight. That particular strategy is only ever enacted in self-defense.
So there's honestly. He could go with that. Or there's–]
...Hot. [A grin, and he seems to shiver with pleasure just at the thought, lip catching against his teeth.] I mean, seriously. Not your body, obviously, but your mind. That brilliant, beautiful mind - I'd rip your cardigan off right here if I thought you'd let me.
[He holds eye contact through this, delivered entirely straight, and through the long minute of dead silence afterward. Intent, steady, a look he's practiced well - not so much come-to-bed eyes as come-to-the-nearest-flat-surface.
The seconds stretch until, finally, he snorts out a laugh, shaking his head and turning back to his beer.]
I think you're a dark horse, John, that's what I think. You try so hard to be boring sometimes it looks like you're even lying to yourself.
[ the words, once they properly settle with him, slip over and under and drain away through cracks. Freddie's very good at a particular kind of game, and while he's never been met face on with it quite like this he can recognise it when he takes a second (and there's certainly a second taken, and a second of attention lost to Freddie's mouth—) but he isn't entirely unaffected. John spent two of the best years of his life (the best years of his life, don't beat around it) having more conversations between two pairs of eyes than he ever managed with tongue and teeth. so he starts off strong, yeah, meets Freddie with challenge, stubborn set easy retaliation, a look that dares him to go ahead, just you try... but it gets lost somewhere along the way. the bravado gains weight, drops off into something else entirely. Freddie Baxter is a ready made disaster zone of a whole new ilk. he's dangerous: not in the same way as back alley brawls, nothing like desert sands and afternoon gunfire, but it's been a long time since John's had cause or opportunity to handle a loaded gun and he'll take what he can get. can't help the way it sets his blood to singing. can't help pooled pupils and stilled breathing.
what he wants isn't easy to pin down: it's just as close to bloodlust as it is to desire. it's neither. it's both.
Freddie cuts off eye contact with a snort, John blinks, and just like that it's gone. there's a slight lean back, small edges of a frown, all signs of waking up standing at the edge of a precipice with no memory of getting there and no idea how far the fall might have been. Freddie, mercifully, doesn't give him time to catch himself up.
You're a dark horse, John. and usually what follows would launch him into a tailspin: fear versus fury versus the sharp and contradictory underlying edge of pride. as it is, he's just stumbled across an unexpected burst of adrenaline, and his comeback is quick and unconcerned, challenging. ]
Me? A humble city doctor? I've got no idea what you're talking about.
[Made you look. Freddie's no profiler, but what he knows all too well is human response. And people respond to him the same way, for the most part, with the same look John's giving him now. He catches the fleeting glance to his mouth and, on a more subconscious level, the dark of his eyes. And it's interesting because he hadn't known before that he could get John to look at him that way.
And there aren't too many people Freddie's unsure of. So he files that away, quietly, in a place closer to reassurance than to arrogance, and raises his eyebrows at that innocent little response.
A click of his tongue, a hand reaching to trace a gentle, chiding trail down from John's cheekbone to the corner of his mouth as Freddie leans back in.]
Exactly like that. [His smile's sharp as he picks John's third shot from the bar and hands it off to him.]
You must miss it, though. Being able to walk in here and have anyone you wanted. [As if it's that easy for everyone, just a fact of life. Sometimes it takes Freddie a moment to recall that not everyone's him.] If you ever had that. Did you have that? Maybe you didn't.
[ awake now, well out of his daze, John tilts his face back out of contact's way - just slight, almost automatic. there's no display made of the evasion, no fuss made of the attempt, but it's enough to make sure he's clear of even a graze. touch is a rare and volatile thing. more often than not it's best prescribed to purpose: if he hasn't read the label, hasn't signed off, it doesn't pass.
he has, perhaps, come to the wrong city.
without a beat skipped that third shot is accepted, plucked up and knocked back in hot pursuit of the first two. he chuckles at Freddie's meandering line of questioning, waits for him to make it to a halt before answering, ] I did alright for myself.
[ did all wrong for himself, too, but had a fine enough time doing it. the nicknames alone attest to that, still hasn't shaken them off completely years later. as for missing it, maybe once, but time did him as many favours as it asked of him. he's happier now than he was then. ] How about you? How's life as the cream of the crop?
Alright doesn't tell me anything. You think crossword puzzles are alright. If you're ever going to get out of this city someone probably has to turn up at your house dressed as a giant sudoku, begging you to solve them.
[Freddie curls his fingers back against his palm, slowly. John's evasion may have been minor but the moment itself hangs for longer than it should, until Freddie lets his arm drop, slowly, to his side. He'd asked if Sherlock was afraid, but maybe he'd picked the wrong person. Or maybe it's all good intentions, as if that isn't the most patronising thing in the world.
He tucks both hands into his pockets, kicking against the lower rung of his stool and hooking a foot there, leaning back.]
Or a corpse, I suppose. They're all puzzles, aren't they.
[His last shot's still untouched on the bar, but he nods his head when the barman passes with a tray to line up a couple more. For now his mind's still clear, if a little less cautious than usual in its dealings with his mouth.]
And I'm fine. I have fun. I've had fun with half the people in here, but there's always someone new, isn't there. My roommate's probably died, so I might think about filling his room but it always gets so [He sucks a breath through his teeth and looks across at John, wide eyed.] Complicated, you know? And I just don't know if I can be fucked.
[ John can't help but notice the way Freddie notices. can for all intents and purposes watch as the moment is processed and sent off for filing. it settles an odd sort of discomfort in him, his next laugh as much an act of brushing off as it is of moving on.
corpse is a nice touch. the hook at the corner of his mouth isn't faked, but it's not entirely easy either. ]
Astonishingly enough, I'm not actually as tragic as you seem to think I am. [ well. never used to be, at least. but there came a time, once through devotion and then through death, when sex became an afterthought instead of the end goal. pursuing much of anything became an afterthought, really. habits take a while to break, especially when they however unwittingly become lifestyles. ]
Died. Right, that's unfortunate. [ almost makes a joke about passing on news if he happens to find the body, but they've already taken a dip into corpse waters today and it smacks a little too much of desperation: desperate evasion, desperate need. besides, John does know. and onwards makes for a better disguise than stops and starts ] Well. If you ever fancy spending some time somewhere functional [ as in: not an abandoned warehouse conversion by the sea ], Sherlock and I are looking for a two bed. Sure I can spring to a fold away for the front room.
[ spoken with his tongue only halfway to his cheek and even then only for the benefit of the doubt. there's a little more in it than that, a temperature gauge all of its own, but that's where he'll leave it as his attention slips briefly to watching the coming and going behind the bar. ]
[Freddie almost bats back that he's just told John he doesn't think he's that sad, and there's no need to get defensive about it now. The thing is that tragic's a little bit different, as a term, and while it has its uses describing 70's flares and 70's haircuts and... anything from the 70's, really (is John from the 70's? Probably) it's also strangely more accurate for a man here on the noble cause of clearing his friend's name rather than saving his life.
A man living with a dead man he's apparently going to leave behind for his own life at home as soon as he's worked up the impetus to bump uglies with enough people here (and there's another reason, maybe, to hold back).
Tragic might, in some ways describe John just fine. Especially the part where he just offered Freddie the chance to camp in his front room. It's a shame he's looking away, really, because it's not often that something makes Freddie splutter, and half a second later it's covered neatly with a laugh.]
Are you going to make me dinner and iron my pants, too? [His mouth's narrowed firmly against a smile, but the general ridiculousness of this idea's written all over the rest of his face, so that small effort does no good.] I wouldn't want to intrude on your little scene of domestic harmony. Did you two live together at home or is this the next big step for you? Jesus.
[This is definitely a two-shot development in the conversation. Two shots and most of the dregs of his beer, in fact, sipped while looking at John slightly incredulously over the bottle's rim.]
I don't need rescuing, I like the squat. I just mean it's complicated because – Cassidy was nice. He was a pirate, an actual one, from history. Twenty-one but looked like he was thirty. Fucked like he was splicing the mainbrace in a storm. And he never got weird about it. Because people do, it's like they think because you've fucked them and you live with them they've got some kind of claim. That's why I had to leave Bristol.
[ a half-there scoff, John's attention lazily floating back to Freddie - shut up, you daft prick. ]
Depends if you show up on laundry day. [ no, he's never going to touch your pants
but down goes more poison, on comes Freddie's story, and John lets a comeback die in favour of allowing his attention to focus a little more as he continues on. hitches of a smile at the flourish of description - it's a nice turn of phrase in the middle of a fairly blunt outpouring... but it's the last bit that fully catches him. he's done a lot of nodding along to Freddie (shaking head no counts as far as he's concerned), but that hook is just too much of a protrusion to let slide. ]
You had to leave an entire city to get away from one person in one flat somewhere. [ John's squinting a little, perched on his hand. it's not that he can't understand the potential call, the potential drive to get out and go. god knows there are things he'd rather get far away from than deal with (and has, many a time, in smaller instances, stormed out and away - but he'd always float back), but Freddie's little anecdotes have gone without pursuit for too long. "that's why I had to leave Bristol". had to, like he didn't have a choice. like his only option was to flee.
that's telling in and of itself. ]
Edited (just completely forget to close brackets and html!! a great pastime!!) 2015-10-29 10:30 (UTC)
[Never is a strong word, John Watson. Who knows what the future for your hands and Freddie's pants may be. For now though they're discretely out of the picture, to undoubted relief on both sides.
He may try to figure out when laundry day is, though. Just to be facetious.
The thing that John finds so surprising is the simplest part of the story to Freddie. He's thinking about Cassidy, wondering if he misses Cassidy, and how the fuck that happened, and whether he really should check whether the bastard drowned at sea. He barely pays attention to what John asks. It's obvious.]
Yeah. Mostly. [How to guarantee never to see someone again: vanish. It doesn't always work, of course, no matter how far you go. Life's funny that way.] I was done with Bristol by then though, it was spent. Like London. You stay somewhere long enough and you know everyone, everything starts looking the same. But I had to go.
[Jesus, he's never even told Dean about Bristol, has he. Maybe it's the step removed that make the conversation possible now. Or, maybe it's the shots. He carefully arranges both empties and full into a circle on the bar.] Because he got into bed with me. I had someone else there, we were done for the night and he came and got in on the other side. Like it was his spot, like he owned it. So I waited for him to fall asleep and I left. Hitchhiked to Manchester at 2am. Never went back.
[ ... alright, no, that's. that's strange. John takes a second of silence to attempt to get his head around how blind, stupid or masochistic a person has to be to crawl into bed with someone who clearly doesn't need or want them there, uninvited and out of place. having the root of that connection is foolhardy enough if not always possible to avoid - but putting it on display? leaving it out there to be noticed, actively thrusting it under the nose of the person most capable of wrapping it around a throat?
if he thinks about it that way, flight was almost kind. the kindest way for anyone as capable as Freddie at tearing down to sever that tie. he could have opened his mouth, talked, and stayed. but he didn't. he upped and left, silent and swift, and it's cleaner, isn't it? it's better to remove one side of the equation than solve it and be left with a negative.
so that's enough as far as that one goes. he can accept it for what it was with that small elaboration, even knowing that what John sees it to be might not have had a thing to do with the whys and wherefores. sometimes you just have to go. ]
Medically speaking, I'd prescribe a new flatmate. My diary isn't going to be open every time you wake up cuffed to a bed. [ which he doesn't necessarily anticipate happening again, isn't actually what he's talking about at all. Freddie's the type of person better off sharing space. might as well have someone at home so that space doesn't always have to be propping up a bar to the tune of free drinks, waiting for somebody else to take back there. ]
Edited (in the interest of resuming the permanently editing flow (ONCE MORE WITH FEELING) god and again) 2015-10-29 11:34 (UTC)
[It was one of the least vicious holes Freddie's torn in someone's life, leaving the boy with the full rent to pay and a stranger asleep beside him. Freddie had abandoned most of his stuff though, everything that wouldn't fit in a bag, so that probably went some way toward paying for it. He doesn't think of it in terms of cruel or kind, looking back, just necessary.]
Yeah but. Complicated. Though I suppose some of that one was my fault. I knew he was getting clingy as soon as he started calling it a relationship.
[One of the least vicious holes, bringing a stranger back to fuck your way into a breakup. It should have been more painful, on both sides: Freddie would have felt better for it.
But no, it wasn't kind.]
We'll see. And you just offered me a bed at your place, you're not going to abandon me to to the fates. You could always send over a student nurse, couldn't you, if you were busy. Actually you could send one over anyway - do you think anyone at the hospital needs a new flat? Hold that thought, I really need a piss.
[He's gone, then, incredibly nimble through the crowd for someone with his evening's alcohol intake packed away. His speech has been slowing, very gradually, for the last few minutes, the edges of his words softening, everything about him not quite so sharp. And he's not away long - easy to pick out in the shifting lights of the bar, he stops on his way back at a summons from a lanky couple slouched in a booth: a tangle of long limbs and tight outfits. He ducks his head to hear and be heard, pointing between them and, at one point, reaching to check the watch on someone elses wrist.
John's pointed at, too, by one of the pair, and Freddie glances across like he's forgotten the man exists, before shaking his head with vehement denial.
It's a couple of minutes, then, before he comes back to claim his barstool, stretching and he climbs back onto it, languid as a cat and only fractionally off his balance.] So, student nurses. There has to be someone at the hospital you think you could get unprofessional with.
[ that— changes things a bit. not enough that it's any of his business, but enough to make an adjustment in his assessment of the situation. a huff of a breath out through his nose at Freddie's assertion... but he can't exactly deny it, can he? if Freddie were really stuck, John would sort him out one way or another. You rather showed you hand there, Dr Watson. it's not a welcome voice. creeps in anyway, sing songing up in an Irish lilt around the edges of stumbling defences, and the dead man isn't wrong.
Freddie's gone by the time he's tuned it out, and he spends a moment watching his retreating back trying before ultimately deciding he's got something to drown and doing it with one of the remaining shots in that neat little circle Freddie constructed earlier. John doesn't hold that thought. might have done if he'd listened to it halfway properly, but by the time Freddie appears in view again John's still only just playing back over what he said, and the younger's midway halt puts a steady stop to that.
watching with mild interest, trying to decipher exactly what's going on - it doesn't take a genius to get the gist, but following the conversation itself ultimately proves beyond him.
he is somewhat surprised when Freddie, on return, slips straight back into the conversation with no sense of wrapping up. a beat, to tune back in to the frequency - oh. oh no, no, we're not going off down that avenue again, not when there's a perfectly suitable alternative topic sitting no more than a minute in the past and a handful of metres away. ]
Get a better offer? [ a nod back over Freddie's shoulder to the pair who'd pulled him up before, and what John's really asking is when should I head off? far be it from him to get in the way of a rendezvous. he's got half a bottle of whisky waiting at home, perfectly capable of entertaining himself. ]
[Maybe John has given something away to Freddie, in terms of what he would and wouldn't do. But the truth is that Freddie would have made the same assumption about him ages ago. Since he showed up to saw through a pair of handcuffs for him, and brought pizza.
But the assumption may not be what John thinks it is. The man's a doctor and Freddie assumes no one goes into a caring career without some curious enjoyment of picking people up after falls. Duty of care he thinks the term is, and that it's code for a profession full of people who don't know how to fix their own bleeding hearts. So Freddie doesn't think this touching display is about him at all, not really. John's just a man who picks up strays. There are enough of them, and he's not creepy about it, so it's fine. He'll figure out Freddie doesn't need rescuing, in the end.
Or Freddie will vanish, one day. One of those.]
I got an offer. I said I'd be back after I walked you home.
[There's no rush, because people will wait for Freddie. He knows this just as he knows the reasons for it, and how limited to the surface of his skin they are.]
[ the art of the arbitrary bleeding heart is a present if somewhat selective trait for John. it is, much like the rest of him, a construct, built rigid and firm around whatever he was to start (did he have it before, honest and softer?) to help distance himself from his other, less savoury parts. and, thanks to that, it comes when it's convenient - not concious decision, but at the bequest of some internal publicity rep, a subconscious scale of what does and doesn't make it into the scope of his concern.
and then there's the distinction: concern and interest are two different things. concern sends ambulances, it doesn't send John. it definitely doesn't send John with a makeshift toolkit and a bag full of pizza.
a raised eyebrow, expression flat, vaguely bemused. ]
Chivalry at its finest.
[ you're not being serious Freddie surely, he's a forty year old man he's capable, go and have fun. the expression absolutely isn't going anywhere, it's far more eloquent than he regularly manages to be ]
Yeah, that's me. If I had a coat I'd toss it over puddles.
[But he doesn't have a coat, he has two shots left and knocks them back in swift succession as an alternate guard against the cold. The drink is gradually catching at his heels. He pauses to blink his eyes back into focus, a wash of blue. John's patented flat face appears to be having no effect, because he steps down from the stool and walks around to wait.]
Unless you want to go on somewhere?
[The pre-drinking's done, John, do you want to hit a club? He almost makes the question sound serious.]
[ he's actually going to do it. is he actually going to do it? looks like he is absolutely actually intending to walk with him - hopefully only as far as the door. not that he begrudges Freddie's company, but the level of sense in the idea of a less-than-sober Freddie Baxter walking an only slightly gone, military trained John Watson home to then have to walk back himself is lacking.
until he remembers that Eudio really doesn't tend to bother with anything illegal, and his breath comes out in a sigh as he too hops down off his stool. ]
Oh, definitely. [ dry as a bone. he's ready to head off, but he does cast one more pointed glance in the direction of Freddie's final destination for the evening: it's a go on, a light release from duty, but it's just a suggestion. John's well past the point of imagining anything he says will ever have any sway over what Freddie does or doesn't decide to do with even the smallest chunk of his time. ]
[Freddie walks John just as far as the door, as expected, before curling his wrist in a flourish that indicates he can open it and go.
Then, he follows him outside. Because yes, actually, Freddie absolutely plans to walk to you your door, John. It might not be the straightest of lines, but walking is still a thing that he can do. And there's another thing he can do, too. The purpose of this exercise, perhaps.
As the chill of the October night bites at his face, he rubs his palms down his sides for warmth - then holds one out for John to take.]
Come on, then. Your place or the all-night rave up the road.
[ the offering is different to the idle attempt at earlier touch. John has the time to clock, to think, to rationalise. to know that he's got choices, and to work out that there's no real harm in making the most profitable one.
it's a very perfunctory acceptance. palm to palm, fingers wrapped flat around the back of a hand, thumb loosely hooked. but it's an acceptance all the same, an active seizing of opportunity. he hasn't stopped for it, either. may have slowed down, tempo stalled at the sudden turning of cogs made considerably less vigorous for the shots taking the punishing razor edge off his thought processes, but he keeps on walking, attention on the path ahead, as if there's nothing at all to holding hands and walking down the street.
which, for most people, there probably isn't.
it's good, this pretending it doesn't feel strange shtick. Freddie was right. right now, he almost believes it himself. ]
We'll see where our feet take us.
[ their feet will be taking them in the direction of John's place, courtesy of the light guiding steer on their joined hands if they start to stray from the his intended route ]
[Profitable is exactly the quality that Freddie intends John to focus on. He needs to touch someone or he'll be here until he's dust. Might as well be Freddie. Just his hand. He's touched him up in more intimate places for stranger reasons, after all. And while Freddie had expected some kind of protest or query, he doesn't push the fact that there's not.
Ignoring it's fine. He keeps his fingers carefully threaded with John's and - for once - lets him lead. Though, he's guessed it won't be the rave.
Letting his feet take him places is most of how Freddie lives. And the night's nice, if cold. John's walk home cuts through green spaces, where the street light's cut off by the trees, and the sudden closeness of it makes Freddie feel deeper in winter already.]
[ if there's one thing John's noticed about Eudio, it's that it doesn't skimp out on its celebrations. any excuse. there are enough parties to get him accepting dancing lessons from Sherlock. there's no chance they'd miss out on an opportunity like Christmas.
it gets him to thinking though, quiet as it is out here. the question is just out of left field enough to drag him off with it, and before he knows it he's talking again. ]
My old landlady, Mrs Hudson. She loved Christmas. We'd make an effort, spruce the flat up a bit - lights around the fireplace, bit of tinsel around the doorways. Every other day or so in the run up she'd bring up some mince pies, we'd ply her with a glass of something fancy, and we'd all sit an chat for a bit. She said it was the only time she could get us to sit still long enough to pay her any attention.
[ it's spoken with nostalgia, warm: he misses her. another string he cut. loose smile on his mouth, half an apology for the unexpected outpouring and half the remnants of lingering fondness at the memory, John casts a glance Freddie's way and does his verbal best to tug things back on track. ] Fan of Christmas?
[ some people aren't, some people love it. he's curious to know whether Freddie's asking out of hope or a hope it might've been left at home ]
[Freddie's not looking when John's focus drifts back his way. His own attention's cast downwards, examining that unacknowledged point where their fingers lock. It's nothing meaningful, just somewhere else to look other than into whatever private expression John might have harboured as he spoke.
Not that he'd shy away from that, ordinarily. His attention can be unflinching enough to make the other person blink first but. There was enough given away in John's voice. The dip of Freddie's chin keeps his own thoughts shadowed, though he pulls in a quick breath and lifts a shrugged shoulder at the question.]
Yeah, I suppose. Used to be. Parts of it anyway. The music can go to fuck after about the second week of November, I had enough of carols in the school choir - don't.
[Don't you fucking laugh John Watson, yes he was a chorister in the days before he developed a dismissive attitude to anything resembling organised 'joining in'.]
So not... all that shit. [It's not quite as fondly nostalgic as John's reminiscences, clearly. And there's no personal memory offered. Christmas was a conflicted thing in the Baxter household, and has been more so in the years he's avoided anything resembling home comforts. But he misses it, sometimes. Even if he's not so much missing what was, as what was supposed to be.
He draws in another breath, a pause for thought.] I like the build up. Lights in the dark and that. I was just thinking they could light up these trees.
[ he's about to lauggh at the first musical comment (agreed, wholeheartedly, the music absolutely can go to fuck after about the second week of November) but it's very quickly subdued, replaced by the very purposeful elevation of eyebrows up in search of his own hairline at school choir.
he doesn't, as instructed. but that doesn't mean he can't tease.
it drops steadily with progression. mm. Christmas, for a while, fell into an unimportant sort of space: didn't mean a lot, or couldn't mean a lot, or had been replayed too many times to mean much of anything. the first year back from Afghanistan it meant even less - not surprisingly, since so did everything else. but then he got one Christmas, just the one, where it worked. it all felt a bit more like home. so he can look up at the trees now, that comment in mind, and acknowledge the pulls of a smile at his mouth's corners. it's not difficult to find a little imagination, soften into the idea of walking through here a few weeks down the line to pinpricks of light blotting out the black and the inky blue.
between them, his arm and their interlocked hands are left to sway more naturally with steps as he loses track of them, head in other things. ]
You should talk to the mayor's office. It'd be nice.
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still grinning, fresh from watching Freddie's shot sent down the hatch, John plucks up his own and sends it back - just a quick tilt of his head and flick of his wrist, none of your fancy hands free lip service. ]
'Fraid there's no easy answer. You're just going to have to get old like the rest of us. [ it's not all bad. getting old like the rest of us, in some cases, can be an incredibly exhilarating experience. it does get him to thinking, though, and one elbow is lifted to rest on the bar so he can settle his chin into the fingers of one hand, get a good angle for squinting at him. ] Wonder how middle age will look on you.
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[Well, if anyone could it might be the boy who already looks close to a decade younger than his actual age, given the right light. He skips the third shot for now, swiping at a beer bottle standing sentinel over the rest of the glasses and taking a swallow to wash the burn of the last one down.]
Thirty-five, though, I could go to that and still be fit. [There's a question in that statement, but he won't ask it directly. It says something, though, that this is what he marks the duration of his life in.] I mean actually fit, not deluded, sucking in a paunch and clipping my nosehair fit. Like some of these.
[An elbow casually gestures toward the remainder of the bar. Present company excepted, John, of course.]
Thirty-five's not a bad age. Forty's not a bad age, for some people, if you're not trying to be something you're not. That's what I like about you.
[He bites his lip, the taste of liquor still overpowering the beer.]
You're not sad. Well. Not completely.
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John scoffs; at I could still be fit, at the sweeping knock down of every last sorry sod unfortunate enough to exist in the vicinity. less because it's funny, which it is in its own way, but more because he's relentless. absolutely relentless. onwards and onwards and on, no room for apology. fresh air, but a gust of it. so much that it goes swallowed instead of inhaled. ]
Oh yeah? [ a quirk of one eyebrow doesn't quite bother to be offended, a roof for his ghosting smile. ] That's a flattering assessment.
[ "not sad". that's a statement and a half. a whole host of potential meanings to be eked out of two words and - genuinely flattering, perhaps, in that any one of them means a battle fought and won. from what he's learned of him Freddie doesn't do flattery, not in the way some people do, not sad being a perfect example and not completely its perfect follow up, and so it's that much easier to trust.
somebody thinks he's got his shit somewhat together. always good to hear.
... he shouldn't ask. there's a hanging half-breath of silence in which he knows he absolutely shouldn't ask - ] What am I, then?
[ other than a merry subject of the things I absolutely shouldn't do. ]
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Freddie could respond with abject cruelty, not a word of it inaccurate, raised from that particular talent he has for flaying people alive using only his tongue. But, he already knows, John's not bad at deflecting that. He knows how to drop and roll and how to stand his ground. Besides, it's not exactly the mood he's in, not tonight. That particular strategy is only ever enacted in self-defense.
So there's honestly. He could go with that. Or there's–]
...Hot. [A grin, and he seems to shiver with pleasure just at the thought, lip catching against his teeth.] I mean, seriously. Not your body, obviously, but your mind. That brilliant, beautiful mind - I'd rip your cardigan off right here if I thought you'd let me.
[He holds eye contact through this, delivered entirely straight, and through the long minute of dead silence afterward. Intent, steady, a look he's practiced well - not so much come-to-bed eyes as come-to-the-nearest-flat-surface.
The seconds stretch until, finally, he snorts out a laugh, shaking his head and turning back to his beer.]
I think you're a dark horse, John, that's what I think. You try so hard to be boring sometimes it looks like you're even lying to yourself.
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what he wants isn't easy to pin down: it's just as close to bloodlust as it is to desire. it's neither. it's both.
Freddie cuts off eye contact with a snort, John blinks, and just like that it's gone. there's a slight lean back, small edges of a frown, all signs of waking up standing at the edge of a precipice with no memory of getting there and no idea how far the fall might have been. Freddie, mercifully, doesn't give him time to catch himself up.
You're a dark horse, John. and usually what follows would launch him into a tailspin: fear versus fury versus the sharp and contradictory underlying edge of pride. as it is, he's just stumbled across an unexpected burst of adrenaline, and his comeback is quick and unconcerned, challenging. ]
Me? A humble city doctor? I've got no idea what you're talking about.
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And there aren't too many people Freddie's unsure of. So he files that away, quietly, in a place closer to reassurance than to arrogance, and raises his eyebrows at that innocent little response.
A click of his tongue, a hand reaching to trace a gentle, chiding trail down from John's cheekbone to the corner of his mouth as Freddie leans back in.]
Exactly like that. [His smile's sharp as he picks John's third shot from the bar and hands it off to him.]
You must miss it, though. Being able to walk in here and have anyone you wanted. [As if it's that easy for everyone, just a fact of life. Sometimes it takes Freddie a moment to recall that not everyone's him.] If you ever had that. Did you have that? Maybe you didn't.
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he has, perhaps, come to the wrong city.
without a beat skipped that third shot is accepted, plucked up and knocked back in hot pursuit of the first two. he chuckles at Freddie's meandering line of questioning, waits for him to make it to a halt before answering, ] I did alright for myself.
[ did all wrong for himself, too, but had a fine enough time doing it. the nicknames alone attest to that, still hasn't shaken them off completely years later. as for missing it, maybe once, but time did him as many favours as it asked of him. he's happier now than he was then. ] How about you? How's life as the cream of the crop?
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[Freddie curls his fingers back against his palm, slowly. John's evasion may have been minor but the moment itself hangs for longer than it should, until Freddie lets his arm drop, slowly, to his side. He'd asked if Sherlock was afraid, but maybe he'd picked the wrong person. Or maybe it's all good intentions, as if that isn't the most patronising thing in the world.
He tucks both hands into his pockets, kicking against the lower rung of his stool and hooking a foot there, leaning back.]
Or a corpse, I suppose. They're all puzzles, aren't they.
[His last shot's still untouched on the bar, but he nods his head when the barman passes with a tray to line up a couple more. For now his mind's still clear, if a little less cautious than usual in its dealings with his mouth.]
And I'm fine. I have fun. I've had fun with half the people in here, but there's always someone new, isn't there. My roommate's probably died, so I might think about filling his room but it always gets so [He sucks a breath through his teeth and looks across at John, wide eyed.] Complicated, you know? And I just don't know if I can be fucked.
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corpse is a nice touch. the hook at the corner of his mouth isn't faked, but it's not entirely easy either. ]
Astonishingly enough, I'm not actually as tragic as you seem to think I am. [ well. never used to be, at least. but there came a time, once through devotion and then through death, when sex became an afterthought instead of the end goal. pursuing much of anything became an afterthought, really. habits take a while to break, especially when they however unwittingly become lifestyles. ]
Died. Right, that's unfortunate. [ almost makes a joke about passing on news if he happens to find the body, but they've already taken a dip into corpse waters today and it smacks a little too much of desperation: desperate evasion, desperate need. besides, John does know. and onwards makes for a better disguise than stops and starts ] Well. If you ever fancy spending some time somewhere functional [ as in: not an abandoned warehouse conversion by the sea ], Sherlock and I are looking for a two bed. Sure I can spring to a fold away for the front room.
[ spoken with his tongue only halfway to his cheek and even then only for the benefit of the doubt. there's a little more in it than that, a temperature gauge all of its own, but that's where he'll leave it as his attention slips briefly to watching the coming and going behind the bar. ]
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A man living with a dead man he's apparently going to leave behind for his own life at home as soon as he's worked up the impetus to bump uglies with enough people here (and there's another reason, maybe, to hold back).
Tragic might, in some ways describe John just fine. Especially the part where he just offered Freddie the chance to camp in his front room. It's a shame he's looking away, really, because it's not often that something makes Freddie splutter, and half a second later it's covered neatly with a laugh.]
Are you going to make me dinner and iron my pants, too? [His mouth's narrowed firmly against a smile, but the general ridiculousness of this idea's written all over the rest of his face, so that small effort does no good.] I wouldn't want to intrude on your little scene of domestic harmony. Did you two live together at home or is this the next big step for you? Jesus.
[This is definitely a two-shot development in the conversation. Two shots and most of the dregs of his beer, in fact, sipped while looking at John slightly incredulously over the bottle's rim.]
I don't need rescuing, I like the squat. I just mean it's complicated because – Cassidy was nice. He was a pirate, an actual one, from history. Twenty-one but looked like he was thirty. Fucked like he was splicing the mainbrace in a storm. And he never got weird about it. Because people do, it's like they think because you've fucked them and you live with them they've got some kind of claim. That's why I had to leave Bristol.
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Depends if you show up on laundry day. [ no, he's never going to touch your pants
but down goes more poison, on comes Freddie's story, and John lets a comeback die in favour of allowing his attention to focus a little more as he continues on. hitches of a smile at the flourish of description - it's a nice turn of phrase in the middle of a fairly blunt outpouring... but it's the last bit that fully catches him. he's done a lot of nodding along to Freddie (shaking head no counts as far as he's concerned), but that hook is just too much of a protrusion to let slide. ]
You had to leave an entire city to get away from one person in one flat somewhere. [ John's squinting a little, perched on his hand. it's not that he can't understand the potential call, the potential drive to get out and go. god knows there are things he'd rather get far away from than deal with (and has, many a time, in smaller instances, stormed out and away - but he'd always float back), but Freddie's little anecdotes have gone without pursuit for too long. "that's why I had to leave Bristol". had to, like he didn't have a choice. like his only option was to flee.
that's telling in and of itself. ]
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He may try to figure out when laundry day is, though. Just to be facetious.
The thing that John finds so surprising is the simplest part of the story to Freddie. He's thinking about Cassidy, wondering if he misses Cassidy, and how the fuck that happened, and whether he really should check whether the bastard drowned at sea. He barely pays attention to what John asks. It's obvious.]
Yeah. Mostly. [How to guarantee never to see someone again: vanish. It doesn't always work, of course, no matter how far you go. Life's funny that way.] I was done with Bristol by then though, it was spent. Like London. You stay somewhere long enough and you know everyone, everything starts looking the same. But I had to go.
[Jesus, he's never even told Dean about Bristol, has he. Maybe it's the step removed that make the conversation possible now. Or, maybe it's the shots. He carefully arranges both empties and full into a circle on the bar.] Because he got into bed with me. I had someone else there, we were done for the night and he came and got in on the other side. Like it was his spot, like he owned it. So I waited for him to fall asleep and I left. Hitchhiked to Manchester at 2am. Never went back.
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if he thinks about it that way, flight was almost kind. the kindest way for anyone as capable as Freddie at tearing down to sever that tie. he could have opened his mouth, talked, and stayed. but he didn't. he upped and left, silent and swift, and it's cleaner, isn't it? it's better to remove one side of the equation than solve it and be left with a negative.
so that's enough as far as that one goes. he can accept it for what it was with that small elaboration, even knowing that what John sees it to be might not have had a thing to do with the whys and wherefores. sometimes you just have to go. ]
Medically speaking, I'd prescribe a new flatmate. My diary isn't going to be open every time you wake up cuffed to a bed. [ which he doesn't necessarily anticipate happening again, isn't actually what he's talking about at all. Freddie's the type of person better off sharing space. might as well have someone at home so that space doesn't always have to be propping up a bar to the tune of free drinks, waiting for somebody else to take back there. ]
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Yeah but. Complicated. Though I suppose some of that one was my fault. I knew he was getting clingy as soon as he started calling it a relationship.
[One of the least vicious holes, bringing a stranger back to fuck your way into a breakup. It should have been more painful, on both sides: Freddie would have felt better for it.
But no, it wasn't kind.]
We'll see. And you just offered me a bed at your place, you're not going to abandon me to to the fates. You could always send over a student nurse, couldn't you, if you were busy. Actually you could send one over anyway - do you think anyone at the hospital needs a new flat? Hold that thought, I really need a piss.
[He's gone, then, incredibly nimble through the crowd for someone with his evening's alcohol intake packed away. His speech has been slowing, very gradually, for the last few minutes, the edges of his words softening, everything about him not quite so sharp. And he's not away long - easy to pick out in the shifting lights of the bar, he stops on his way back at a summons from a lanky couple slouched in a booth: a tangle of long limbs and tight outfits. He ducks his head to hear and be heard, pointing between them and, at one point, reaching to check the watch on someone elses wrist.
John's pointed at, too, by one of the pair, and Freddie glances across like he's forgotten the man exists, before shaking his head with vehement denial.
It's a couple of minutes, then, before he comes back to claim his barstool, stretching and he climbs back onto it, languid as a cat and only fractionally off his balance.] So, student nurses. There has to be someone at the hospital you think you could get unprofessional with.
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Freddie's gone by the time he's tuned it out, and he spends a moment watching his retreating back trying before ultimately deciding he's got something to drown and doing it with one of the remaining shots in that neat little circle Freddie constructed earlier. John doesn't hold that thought. might have done if he'd listened to it halfway properly, but by the time Freddie appears in view again John's still only just playing back over what he said, and the younger's midway halt puts a steady stop to that.
watching with mild interest, trying to decipher exactly what's going on - it doesn't take a genius to get the gist, but following the conversation itself ultimately proves beyond him.
he is somewhat surprised when Freddie, on return, slips straight back into the conversation with no sense of wrapping up. a beat, to tune back in to the frequency - oh. oh no, no, we're not going off down that avenue again, not when there's a perfectly suitable alternative topic sitting no more than a minute in the past and a handful of metres away. ]
Get a better offer? [ a nod back over Freddie's shoulder to the pair who'd pulled him up before, and what John's really asking is when should I head off? far be it from him to get in the way of a rendezvous. he's got half a bottle of whisky waiting at home, perfectly capable of entertaining himself. ]
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But the assumption may not be what John thinks it is. The man's a doctor and Freddie assumes no one goes into a caring career without some curious enjoyment of picking people up after falls. Duty of care he thinks the term is, and that it's code for a profession full of people who don't know how to fix their own bleeding hearts. So Freddie doesn't think this touching display is about him at all, not really. John's just a man who picks up strays. There are enough of them, and he's not creepy about it, so it's fine. He'll figure out Freddie doesn't need rescuing, in the end.
Or Freddie will vanish, one day. One of those.]
I got an offer. I said I'd be back after I walked you home.
[There's no rush, because people will wait for Freddie. He knows this just as he knows the reasons for it, and how limited to the surface of his skin they are.]
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and then there's the distinction: concern and interest are two different things. concern sends ambulances, it doesn't send John. it definitely doesn't send John with a makeshift toolkit and a bag full of pizza.
a raised eyebrow, expression flat, vaguely bemused. ]
Chivalry at its finest.
[ you're not being serious Freddie surely, he's a forty year old man he's capable, go and have fun. the expression absolutely isn't going anywhere, it's far more eloquent than he regularly manages to be ]
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[But he doesn't have a coat, he has two shots left and knocks them back in swift succession as an alternate guard against the cold. The drink is gradually catching at his heels. He pauses to blink his eyes back into focus, a wash of blue. John's patented flat face appears to be having no effect, because he steps down from the stool and walks around to wait.]
Unless you want to go on somewhere?
[The pre-drinking's done, John, do you want to hit a club? He almost makes the question sound serious.]
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until he remembers that Eudio really doesn't tend to bother with anything illegal, and his breath comes out in a sigh as he too hops down off his stool. ]
Oh, definitely. [ dry as a bone. he's ready to head off, but he does cast one more pointed glance in the direction of Freddie's final destination for the evening: it's a go on, a light release from duty, but it's just a suggestion. John's well past the point of imagining anything he says will ever have any sway over what Freddie does or doesn't decide to do with even the smallest chunk of his time. ]
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Then, he follows him outside. Because yes, actually, Freddie absolutely plans to walk to you your door, John. It might not be the straightest of lines, but walking is still a thing that he can do. And there's another thing he can do, too. The purpose of this exercise, perhaps.
As the chill of the October night bites at his face, he rubs his palms down his sides for warmth - then holds one out for John to take.]
Come on, then. Your place or the all-night rave up the road.
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it's a very perfunctory acceptance. palm to palm, fingers wrapped flat around the back of a hand, thumb loosely hooked. but it's an acceptance all the same, an active seizing of opportunity. he hasn't stopped for it, either. may have slowed down, tempo stalled at the sudden turning of cogs made considerably less vigorous for the shots taking the punishing razor edge off his thought processes, but he keeps on walking, attention on the path ahead, as if there's nothing at all to holding hands and walking down the street.
which, for most people, there probably isn't.
it's good, this pretending it doesn't feel strange shtick. Freddie was right. right now, he almost believes it himself. ]
We'll see where our feet take us.
[ their feet will be taking them in the direction of John's place, courtesy of the light guiding steer on their joined hands if they start to stray from the his intended route ]
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Ignoring it's fine. He keeps his fingers carefully threaded with John's and - for once - lets him lead. Though, he's guessed it won't be the rave.
Letting his feet take him places is most of how Freddie lives. And the night's nice, if cold. John's walk home cuts through green spaces, where the street light's cut off by the trees, and the sudden closeness of it makes Freddie feel deeper in winter already.]
Do you reckon they do Christmas, here?
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[ if there's one thing John's noticed about Eudio, it's that it doesn't skimp out on its celebrations. any excuse. there are enough parties to get him accepting dancing lessons from Sherlock. there's no chance they'd miss out on an opportunity like Christmas.
it gets him to thinking though, quiet as it is out here. the question is just out of left field enough to drag him off with it, and before he knows it he's talking again. ]
My old landlady, Mrs Hudson. She loved Christmas. We'd make an effort, spruce the flat up a bit - lights around the fireplace, bit of tinsel around the doorways. Every other day or so in the run up she'd bring up some mince pies, we'd ply her with a glass of something fancy, and we'd all sit an chat for a bit. She said it was the only time she could get us to sit still long enough to pay her any attention.
[ it's spoken with nostalgia, warm: he misses her. another string he cut. loose smile on his mouth, half an apology for the unexpected outpouring and half the remnants of lingering fondness at the memory, John casts a glance Freddie's way and does his verbal best to tug things back on track. ] Fan of Christmas?
[ some people aren't, some people love it. he's curious to know whether Freddie's asking out of hope or a hope it might've been left at home ]
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Not that he'd shy away from that, ordinarily. His attention can be unflinching enough to make the other person blink first but. There was enough given away in John's voice. The dip of Freddie's chin keeps his own thoughts shadowed, though he pulls in a quick breath and lifts a shrugged shoulder at the question.]
Yeah, I suppose. Used to be. Parts of it anyway. The music can go to fuck after about the second week of November, I had enough of carols in the school choir - don't.
[Don't you fucking laugh John Watson, yes he was a chorister in the days before he developed a dismissive attitude to anything resembling organised 'joining in'.]
So not... all that shit. [It's not quite as fondly nostalgic as John's reminiscences, clearly. And there's no personal memory offered. Christmas was a conflicted thing in the Baxter household, and has been more so in the years he's avoided anything resembling home comforts. But he misses it, sometimes. Even if he's not so much missing what was, as what was supposed to be.
He draws in another breath, a pause for thought.] I like the build up. Lights in the dark and that. I was just thinking they could light up these trees.
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he doesn't, as instructed. but that doesn't mean he can't tease.
it drops steadily with progression. mm. Christmas, for a while, fell into an unimportant sort of space: didn't mean a lot, or couldn't mean a lot, or had been replayed too many times to mean much of anything. the first year back from Afghanistan it meant even less - not surprisingly, since so did everything else. but then he got one Christmas, just the one, where it worked. it all felt a bit more like home. so he can look up at the trees now, that comment in mind, and acknowledge the pulls of a smile at his mouth's corners. it's not difficult to find a little imagination, soften into the idea of walking through here a few weeks down the line to pinpricks of light blotting out the black and the inky blue.
between them, his arm and their interlocked hands are left to sway more naturally with steps as he loses track of them, head in other things. ]
You should talk to the mayor's office. It'd be nice.
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