[ the breath of relief John lets out as he shifts Freddie's foot and finds he's able to lift it free is nothing like the contained thing he'd like it to be. it shudders out of him, voices just before he runs out of air. he's up on his own feet so quickly after that that he almost catches his foot oddly on the incline, only the catch of Freddie's hand around his reminding him that he can't afford a loss of balance and so he doesn't allow himself one, rights before a loss of footing can properly threaten him.
a tug on Freddie's hand. up. you can't be out here anymore. you've been out here too long already.
he's trying for the firm direction of someone ready to be a pillar, to calm the shaken. what he gives instead is the desperation of a child to leave a dark room, to pull the hand clasped somewhere lighter and safe.
[Freddie reacts anyway, at John's almost-stumble. He might be shit in a fight but he's quick and he's not weak. John finds himself with his wrist wrapped by Freddie's palm, the muscle in his arm pulled taut in case it's called upon to brace him.
The moment passes as quick as it occurred, with Freddie shifting focus to getting himself to his feet, going with that urgent drag on his arm but slower than he might like. He works his foot round in a circle before testing its weight, and then peers down into the small abyss of the hole he's created, a momentary distraction.]
[ it's a comfort of another kind. every element, from palm to pressure to the ready tension, screams life. presence. I won't let you fall. he strengthens. roots himself to give Freddie what time he needs to know he won't fall the second he takes a step. can't hurry this last stretch, no matter how much he wants to just move.
Freddie says something. it registers as not being a question or an expression of something worrying and John's eyeline moves from a roving stare over what's visible of Freddie's face to turning to plot their route back, picking out unsafe footholds, tiles that look reliable. everything about him strains to go, but he does not tug again. mistakes are easiest made in a rush. ]
[He looks up and finds John still all coiled-spring, the pulse at his throat visible with the way his neck's twisted away and thudding a quick giveaway of underlying anxieties. Then there's the silence.
Freddie chews on his lip and takes a careful step across the break in the brickwork.]
[ and it's not something he can explain out here, with the height still a threat in his peripheries, the stars closer than they should be. the second Freddie moves John's watching him like a hawk, ready for any misstep, ready too to take steps of his own that match and mirror and only ever take him as far away as the length of two outstretched arms. ]
[ nothing is what that gets out of John. not a look, an eye roll, a smile. once it's clear Freddie's fine to move some of John's tension diverts but doesn't disappear, trained in on making sure his certainty doesn't grant him over-confidence and send him slipping. but it's not over-far to safety, thank God. all John manages: ]
[Something in Freddie bridles at the order. His head pulls up like a horse plotting to rear, and god knows he's obstinate enough to send himself skidding down the roof just to prove he fucking can. But the moment holds and then passes with nothing more than a long, warning look. After which Freddie twists his hand free of John's and steps past him (with more care than he allows to show).]
Jesus.
[But he's inside, all right? Holding the maintenance door open for John to follow.]
[ it's sharp, that first sign of Freddie ready to tear away from him or lash out. John stands with it. meets him non-combatively. all he needs is for Freddie to move, away from him or away for him he doesn't care, and when finally he does and John can turn and follow after until he's got a view of Freddie Baxter safe on more sturdy ground all the held tension coils and drops, drops fast and far.
John steps inside and keeps on going, past Freddie, through the attic to the top of the stairs where his feet pull him up short before he can try a descent, hand curled tight around the handrail and hunched over himself to catch back breath he hasn't lost. deep, silent drags of air, eyes scrunched closed against sight.
[It's awkward and... embarrassing, in it's way. Freddie's not used to witnessing such open displays of vulnerability: he avoids people who show it easily with just as much determination as he disguises it in himself. John's seen him broken, hurt, trapped, but rarely exposed.
So Freddie looks away. Back through the open door to the star-speckled night, biting down his lip as if the discomfort of this can be clamped down on, too.
But John's breath doesn't slow or grow shallow. White noise in the still room. And at some point - he's not sure when - Freddie crosses over to him. He finds himself standing at John's back, anyway, a hand rubbing over his shoulder, down his arm. Breathe.]
[ this isn't supposed to happen. not around Freddie, not around anyone. and it wouldn't be happening, ultimately, if he had any choice. if he could find a route back from the edge of too many never-sunk thoughts waiting only part-obscured in deeper water. he wants to be gone. to be as far away as he can be - but here he is, barely made it five metres, can't risk another step with legs weak enough to buckle at the knees.
he can hear the faint strains of a breathed chuckle, of his own remembered breathing ragged in his mind's ear. words that he knows but won't allow to form (G--d..e J..n—) rest waiting out of reach. and he's got to work, work hard to keep it all away. he can do this in his sleep. he can do this on his own in his bed, waking up in sweats with sobs on his breath in the early hours with nobody around to see the mess he adamantly denies he is. he can't do it here. so he doesn't move, can't move. listens to what could be a voice if he let it, listens to the echoes, fights them off.
listens, suddenly, to something else. to someone else. warm on his arm - warm, after, at his back.
being seen turns him rigid. decision, seconds later, turns him soft.
how long it takes he doesn't know, but eventually John's no longer clutching at a railing like it's the only thing keeping him whole. ]
[Like maybe that's the point of the comparison. He'll take the chance of a diversion while he pretends not to notice the way John's shoulders lift under his hands - he adds a second, fingers digging lightly into muscle, making the touch a solid and purposeful thing.
Of course he's curious. Afghanistan? There never seemed much in the way of heights in the flat desert landscapes on news reports. An older fear, then, or a newer one. It doesn't occur to Freddie to ask, but a part of him is waiting for this step out out John Watson's self-penned character to be explained.]
At least it could fly. I do know other people, by the way. Here.
[His hands slip loosely forward, tracing outlines hidden under clothes, half-way to an embrace without ever proclaiming itself as one.]
[ he's settling, easing under Freddie's touch. it helps that there's no question made of him. that they're not spinning out his lapse like a sample under a microscope. the subject eludes him, his own response a query in its own sort of way but not an insistent one: Freddie will make himself clear or he won't, John's bound to understand his meaning eventually.
he's aware that there's something to be said. some offering to be given. and that maybe he wants to make that offering, to not have it sitting in between them as a question never asked and never answered.
for now he rocks ever so slightly back on his heels, movement in place of grateful speech, into touch and closeness. ]
That's right. The door even locks, now, just to keep everyone out.
[His chin settles against John's shoulder (it's mildly pleasant to note how easily the near-match of their heights accommodates this: he remains unused to skewing slightly taller with other men). This close his words can be felt as well as heard, just a whisper of warmth at John's throat.]
I mean, you don't need to fuck yourself up to stop me fucking something up. Say no. In fact I didn't bloody ask so just don't say anything. I wasn't going to fall.
[ realistically, there's no knowing either way. but he does know that the risk wasn't as high as to warrant the severity of his response to it. he knows he didn't have to do what he did. that, one way or another, Freddie would probably have found his way around it.
John lets his eyes fall shut again - this time not to block anything out, just to better experience proximity. his head tilts just a little to the side, settling lightly against Freddie's. ]
It would've been worse if I didn't come.
[ for John, not Freddie. though he can't be certain that's true: he can't conceive of having been able to stay away. ]
It would have been better if you'd brought the drink I asked for.
[He's more sober than he'd like to be, just now. Not a hermit, but standing in a room with all the evidence that he's been spending more time in this flat than he's accustomed to, choosing new and strange priorities. One of them, perhaps, here of his own accord.]
And something to fix the roof.
[He tips his head back, pulling away just a fraction to examine the damage.]
There's tinfoil downstairs. If it needs something absorbent I've got tea bags and sanitary towels.
Pardon my priorities. [ John's head turns to cast Freddie a sideways look then, somewhat dubious. jumpers and the occasional crossword do not a roof-patching DIY expert make. ] I'm not a roof doctor. I don't know what it needs. I can go out for more wine though. If you'll drink it in here.
[ it's said in the interest of joking, but he's also very much not joking. ]
In here? [Freddie clarifies, narrowing the descriptor with a sweep of his hand.] Under the skylight?
[He abandons John, then, to examine it. It's safe now: Freddie's down from the roof and John's talked down from whatever panic had tossed him on its shores. The roof will be fine with some kind of temporary measure to stop it making the papers flutter on the walls, and to lessen the risk of waking up with an attic full of sodden papier mache.
Tomorrow, maybe he'll find someone who owes him enough of a favour to get a real skylight put in, in the first piece of home improvement the warehouse has seen since is inception.]
Yeah, get some drinks. I'll meet you back downstairs.
[ and that's fine, absolutely, he'll get to that right away, but John hasn't forgotten the changed room he's stalked through twice now without the chance to examine. so, free to turn and with Freddie otherwise occupied with the hole he's made, John does. doesn't move off his spot, but has a look at the shape of it: papers scattered with drawings, the space a good deal more populated than it was before with evidence of a pursuit of something that makes John smile.
he's not going to say anything, for now at least. Freddie's earlier hesitance about the attic hasn't passed him by and there's both a courtesy to return and an awareness that he doesn't want to tread all over fresh blooms. after a moment or two he nods to himself, still smiling. turns.
maybe one day he'll be invited up here on purpose. or at least allowed to stray. for now: drink. ]
There a key anywhere?
[ over his shoulder. he's not going to tempt fate with the lift again if he can help it. ]
[Used to be kept above the door frame - when the door was in its frame - but since Jem's moved in Freddie's taking precautions that weren't necessary for a life lived in the company of strangers. He wasn't going to worry who might walk in when half the time he'd brought them home.
It's different, now. He keeps a casual but not impartial eye on who he lets through the door.]
[ he finds the keys where he's told he'll find them and then heads off, out on a somewhat familiar path to the first place that'll sell him a bottle of wine or three - one white, one red, one rose, because as far as John's concerned he can swallow more or less anything that'll do the job but he has no idea on Freddie's preferences.
what he does too, standing in the entryway and fiddling with the key, is slip one from another bunch onto the ring.
the bottles touch down on the counter and John sets about hunting the kitchen for glasses, not bothering with hello. ]
[Freddie's tinfoil-and-duct taped the roof into a reasonable state. In the morning he'll run through his contact list for friends, and friends of friends who might know how to fix this for free.
Or he'll mention to Jem that the roof's likely to fall in, and watch as she does it.
He's getting off his knees in the kitchen when John comes back with half an off-licence in his arms.]
Bloody hell, have you invited friends?
[Still at an age where his wine preference is: alcoholic, Freddie's not about to be fussy about opening the lot. He's stopped, though, at the little metal keychain lying beside. It's easy to notice the difference between one key and two.
It clinks as he lifts it, caught on the tip of one finger.]
[ offered as he finally discovers the glasses, plucking out a couple and turning to set them down on the counter by the wine. he doesn't need to look to know what it is that Freddie's questioning, though he does give him a glance before turning his attention back to divvying out a couple of portions of drink. ]
One of them'll get you into mine.
[ as casual as you like. even if there's a certain determination to the way he still isn't looking up. ]
[He splays his fingers, lets the little metal loop slide down until the keys hit his palm. Watching John the way a hawk watches long grass for any tiny, giveaway movement.]
The roof's probably not falling in tonight. [Another flick of his wrist and he's holding out the keys on the flat of his hand - no need.] And if it does, you'll be here, so. We're all right.
It's not for tonight. [ a glance up, one that catches on Freddie's hawk-like stare and holds. it's not a trick, or a trap. it's just a key. and by God, Freddie better not kick up a fuss about it. this is something John doesn't know how to do elegantly. doesn't really know how to do at all.
there wouldn't be a fight so much as a fold, and it's just a key. a try, then, plain and simple for once, brows raised to implore: ] I want you to have it.
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a tug on Freddie's hand. up. you can't be out here anymore. you've been out here too long already.
he's trying for the firm direction of someone ready to be a pillar, to calm the shaken. what he gives instead is the desperation of a child to leave a dark room, to pull the hand clasped somewhere lighter and safe.
notably now, no speech. he's run out. ]
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The moment passes as quick as it occurred, with Freddie shifting focus to getting himself to his feet, going with that urgent drag on his arm but slower than he might like. He works his foot round in a circle before testing its weight, and then peers down into the small abyss of the hole he's created, a momentary distraction.]
Fucking hell.
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Freddie says something. it registers as not being a question or an expression of something worrying and John's eyeline moves from a roving stare over what's visible of Freddie's face to turning to plot their route back, picking out unsafe footholds, tiles that look reliable. everything about him strains to go, but he does not tug again. mistakes are easiest made in a rush. ]
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Freddie chews on his lip and takes a careful step across the break in the brickwork.]
Do you not like heights?
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[ and it's not something he can explain out here, with the height still a threat in his peripheries, the stars closer than they should be. the second Freddie moves John's watching him like a hawk, ready for any misstep, ready too to take steps of his own that match and mirror and only ever take him as far away as the length of two outstretched arms. ]
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[Freddie on the other hand, once he's cleared the main obstacle in his path, is mountain-goat sure of his footing: unafraid.]
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Get inside.
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Jesus.
[But he's inside, all right? Holding the maintenance door open for John to follow.]
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John steps inside and keeps on going, past Freddie, through the attic to the top of the stairs where his feet pull him up short before he can try a descent, hand curled tight around the handrail and hunched over himself to catch back breath he hasn't lost. deep, silent drags of air, eyes scrunched closed against sight.
god. God.
come on. come on, John, he's fine. ]
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So Freddie looks away. Back through the open door to the star-speckled night, biting down his lip as if the discomfort of this can be clamped down on, too.
But John's breath doesn't slow or grow shallow. White noise in the still room. And at some point - he's not sure when - Freddie crosses over to him. He finds himself standing at John's back, anyway, a hand rubbing over his shoulder, down his arm. Breathe.]
You fucking idiot.
[Quiet, no venom, but truly meant.
His back presses to John's back.]
Some fucking swan.
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he can hear the faint strains of a breathed chuckle, of his own remembered breathing ragged in his mind's ear. words that he knows but won't allow to form (G--d..e J..n—) rest waiting out of reach. and he's got to work, work hard to keep it all away. he can do this in his sleep. he can do this on his own in his bed, waking up in sweats with sobs on his breath in the early hours with nobody around to see the mess he adamantly denies he is. he can't do it here. so he doesn't move, can't move. listens to what could be a voice if he let it, listens to the echoes, fights them off.
listens, suddenly, to something else. to someone else. warm on his arm - warm, after, at his back.
being seen turns him rigid. decision, seconds later, turns him soft.
how long it takes he doesn't know, but eventually John's no longer clutching at a railing like it's the only thing keeping him whole. ]
Swan in a cardi would be shit anyway.
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[Like maybe that's the point of the comparison. He'll take the chance of a diversion while he pretends not to notice the way John's shoulders lift under his hands - he adds a second, fingers digging lightly into muscle, making the touch a solid and purposeful thing.
Of course he's curious. Afghanistan? There never seemed much in the way of heights in the flat desert landscapes on news reports. An older fear, then, or a newer one. It doesn't occur to Freddie to ask, but a part of him is waiting for this step out out John Watson's self-penned character to be explained.]
At least it could fly. I do know other people, by the way. Here.
[His hands slip loosely forward, tracing outlines hidden under clothes, half-way to an embrace without ever proclaiming itself as one.]
Just so you know.
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[ he's settling, easing under Freddie's touch. it helps that there's no question made of him. that they're not spinning out his lapse like a sample under a microscope. the subject eludes him, his own response a query in its own sort of way but not an insistent one: Freddie will make himself clear or he won't, John's bound to understand his meaning eventually.
he's aware that there's something to be said. some offering to be given. and that maybe he wants to make that offering, to not have it sitting in between them as a question never asked and never answered.
for now he rocks ever so slightly back on his heels, movement in place of grateful speech, into touch and closeness. ]
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[His chin settles against John's shoulder (it's mildly pleasant to note how easily the near-match of their heights accommodates this: he remains unused to skewing slightly taller with other men). This close his words can be felt as well as heard, just a whisper of warmth at John's throat.]
I mean, you don't need to fuck yourself up to stop me fucking something up. Say no. In fact I didn't bloody ask so just don't say anything. I wasn't going to fall.
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[ realistically, there's no knowing either way. but he does know that the risk wasn't as high as to warrant the severity of his response to it. he knows he didn't have to do what he did. that, one way or another, Freddie would probably have found his way around it.
John lets his eyes fall shut again - this time not to block anything out, just to better experience proximity. his head tilts just a little to the side, settling lightly against Freddie's. ]
It would've been worse if I didn't come.
[ for John, not Freddie. though he can't be certain that's true: he can't conceive of having been able to stay away. ]
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[He's more sober than he'd like to be, just now. Not a hermit, but standing in a room with all the evidence that he's been spending more time in this flat than he's accustomed to, choosing new and strange priorities. One of them, perhaps, here of his own accord.]
And something to fix the roof.
[He tips his head back, pulling away just a fraction to examine the damage.]
There's tinfoil downstairs. If it needs something absorbent I've got tea bags and sanitary towels.
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Pardon my priorities. [ John's head turns to cast Freddie a sideways look then, somewhat dubious. jumpers and the occasional crossword do not a roof-patching DIY expert make. ] I'm not a roof doctor. I don't know what it needs. I can go out for more wine though. If you'll drink it in here.
[ it's said in the interest of joking, but he's also very much not joking. ]
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[He abandons John, then, to examine it. It's safe now: Freddie's down from the roof and John's talked down from whatever panic had tossed him on its shores. The roof will be fine with some kind of temporary measure to stop it making the papers flutter on the walls, and to lessen the risk of waking up with an attic full of sodden papier mache.
Tomorrow, maybe he'll find someone who owes him enough of a favour to get a real skylight put in, in the first piece of home improvement the warehouse has seen since is inception.]
Yeah, get some drinks. I'll meet you back downstairs.
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he's not going to say anything, for now at least. Freddie's earlier hesitance about the attic hasn't passed him by and there's both a courtesy to return and an awareness that he doesn't want to tread all over fresh blooms. after a moment or two he nods to himself, still smiling. turns.
maybe one day he'll be invited up here on purpose. or at least allowed to stray. for now: drink. ]
There a key anywhere?
[ over his shoulder. he's not going to tempt fate with the lift again if he can help it. ]
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[Used to be kept above the door frame - when the door was in its frame - but since Jem's moved in Freddie's taking precautions that weren't necessary for a life lived in the company of strangers. He wasn't going to worry who might walk in when half the time he'd brought them home.
It's different, now. He keeps a casual but not impartial eye on who he lets through the door.]
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what he does too, standing in the entryway and fiddling with the key, is slip one from another bunch onto the ring.
the bottles touch down on the counter and John sets about hunting the kitchen for glasses, not bothering with hello. ]
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Or he'll mention to Jem that the roof's likely to fall in, and watch as she does it.
He's getting off his knees in the kitchen when John comes back with half an off-licence in his arms.]
Bloody hell, have you invited friends?
[Still at an age where his wine preference is: alcoholic, Freddie's not about to be fussy about opening the lot. He's stopped, though, at the little metal keychain lying beside. It's easy to notice the difference between one key and two.
It clinks as he lifts it, caught on the tip of one finger.]
What's this?
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[ offered as he finally discovers the glasses, plucking out a couple and turning to set them down on the counter by the wine. he doesn't need to look to know what it is that Freddie's questioning, though he does give him a glance before turning his attention back to divvying out a couple of portions of drink. ]
One of them'll get you into mine.
[ as casual as you like. even if there's a certain determination to the way he still isn't looking up. ]
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The roof's probably not falling in tonight. [Another flick of his wrist and he's holding out the keys on the flat of his hand - no need.] And if it does, you'll be here, so. We're all right.
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there wouldn't be a fight so much as a fold, and it's just a key. a try, then, plain and simple for once, brows raised to implore: ] I want you to have it.
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